it's been two years but i'm here, i'm not dead!
i'd give anything to go back to that naive 18 year old. i am 20 now, and still with the same boyfriend. this relationsip has completely changed my life. it brought out my BPD symptoms so bad. i am extremely co-dependent and do shitty things if he tries to leave. in a way, i've never felt more alone in my life despite not being alone.
my ED thoughts are so bad. last spring, i went from 197lbs to 136lbs in two months due to some certain things happening. bf had a porn addiction, found out my dad cheated and my parents finally divorced. it was not a good time for me. i am back to a healthy weight now but i've been struggling bad with looking at pictures of myself from my worst. i'm still doing better than i have been before like i've definitely been worse. i'm only self harming maybe 2x a year and my substance use has gone down a lot. i am on adderall right now, which is what gave me the motivation to get on here and update this, but it was a bad day for me so i'm justifying it. my use of klonopin hasn't been awesome one almost every day but thats still not as bad as it use to be taking a handful at once everyday.
i work at an undisclosed canadian coffee and donut chain and thats been something. almost been fired a few times due to splitting at work and screaming and slamming doors. which is obviously my fault but the shit my manager does? it's so hard not to. i live with my boyfriend and his mom and her boyfriend, with his younger sister and her bf. his mom's bf is a total dick and towards the beginning of our relationship in november i think, he actually came home drunk and put his hands on my boyfriend and his mom. he went to jail, there was supposed to be a no contact order for both of them, she broke it by letting him move back in not even 2 months later. i don't know how he hasn't gotten in any sort of trouble for it. the financial situation is very stressful so that's not fun to deal with. my credits ruined because of my dad. my bf and i went to disney world and my dad told me as a birthday present to spend $500 there and he'd pay me back after. he never payed me back after! that's ended up snowballing and now i'm just in a fucked situation and i'm weighing my bf down.
oh, i went no contact for a year with my dad after finding out the truth about him. he cheated multiple times, some with the same girl, and this girl went on my moms facebook and liked photos from my brothers birthday party. when my mom told me that, i couldn't believe she didn't just kill him then and there it made me so sick. my mom had some medical issues and was under anesteshia (i'm not googling how to spell it) and they couldn't bring her back for a while, and so while my dad was waiting for my mom's heartbeat to start he was watching porn. i'd literally kill myself. i asked why she nevr told me and always let me think she was the bad guy, and she said it's because she would've rather me had a good relationsip with my dad and didn't wanna ruin it. i told her i wished so bad i would've knew because i used to be so mean to her and i had no idea. so that really fucked with me.
i've been calling around for therapists and none will take me because i have BPD. my psychiatrist today said technically she never put it in my file so it doesn't mess with insurance, so if i didn't tell therapists i had it i wouldn't be teeeechnically lying. so i may have to do some more calling and explain my symptoms different i guess. my mom and my brother also got diagnosed as autistic which is something i think i definitely have, i struggle a lot at work sometimes like socially and i guess i just feel like an alien sometimes is the best way to put it. but then sometimes i'm with my friends and i feel normal so i feel like i'm faking. but then i've also BEEN with my friends and felt like an alien still so who knows.
i just want a damn vacation. i work 5 days a week but only 6am-11am. if i work more my fibro starts flaring and it's hard on my h-eds. also, i want to start a new blog that isn't tied to any weird niche true crime stuff, so my new page will be called 404evanotfound, which i'll put a link to somewhere. that's it for now, adios
