(i apologize in advance, this is hella lenghty bc i took way too much adderall) still haven't went back to school. oops! don't really have a good reason why. i mean i'm still not feeling great but it's not that bad. definitely not bad enough to not go to school, i'm just so depressed i've been kinda exagerrating it. my stomachs still fucked up, my sleep schedule is all over the damn place, and my joints always hurt. theres other stuff too but those are the main/worst things. went to the doctor like a week ago, she thinks it might be fibromyalgia or an autoimmune disease and had me get a bunch of bloodwork done. apparently i'm so severely deficient in vitamin d that i have to take 50,000iu weekly. the average amount in supplements is usually 600iu daily. meaning i'm on 11x the average dose. woohoo! red blood cell count was also too high. they didn't say what that means. google says cancer. a few days ago i had to go back to the doctors to get an h pylori test. they had to prick my finger, which really shouldn't be too bad, but my hands were freezing cold as per usual and the nurse had to basically milk my finger. not pleasant, still brusied. h pylori is a stomach bacteria infection that aligns with my symptoms perfectly. realized i probably had it when my friend from ed treatment found out she (and 2 others from treatment) had it and facetimed me and told me to go get my ass tested. it spreads through either contaminated food or saliva, and we've shared so many drinks, vapes, carts, etc that it would be like impossible for me not to have it. but somehow the test came back negative?? i mentioned this to my psychiatrist the other day and she was bamboozled and said it was probably a false negative because there's just no way i don't have it. she said blood tests are usually inaccurate and recommended i get a stool test. this bitch wants me to take my shit to the doctors! i get that it's more accurate but who the fuck wants to do that?? not me! also waiting to hear back from the sleep clinic about getting a sleep study done for narcolepsy. and a specialist for my tmj problems (my jaw pops out of socket and goes clink clank whenever i open my mouth which gets painful and gives me migraines). also looking for a GI doctor but nobody wants to take me because i'm too old for pediatrics and too young for adults (i turn 18 in april). so basically i just got a whole cocktail of shit wrong with me. i don't know when i'll go back to school. i haven't been in like a month and exams are next week. i'm so fucked. thinking about it makes me anxious so i just avoid it. my friends text all call me almost every day, presumably asking me where i am and wtfs going on but i never answer the phone or open the texts. i'm really not sure why. i have a bad habit of isolating myself from people when i'm really depressed. the only person i've really told what's going on is the guy i'm talking to. was kind of surprised when he asked me if i was okay and where i was and said he was worried considering he's a manwhore who's allegedly been talking to other girls. but all my friends i've just ghosted. i want to talk to them but it feels awkward because it's been weeks and i feel so bad for ignoring them but i don't know what to say because i don't even know why i'm doing it. i'll probably bring it up in therapy today. hm what else. things haven't been too awful with my parents. they haven't been fighting as much but my dads been an asshole. it's weird because i complain about him to my mom and she says how awful he is and how he gaslights and is unempathetic and lies and shit. which like, yeah, that's true, but she does the same stuff and worse so it's funny that she complains about him lmao. hypocritical as fuck. i guess that's my rant for today. currently 4am, probably gonna do my makeup instead of sleeping because adderall. adios!
