well well well, guess who's back in the same spot she was in this time last year (hint: it's me). got pretty sick a couple of weeks ago and haven't been to school since. even before that, i have barely been going. it's this cycle, i skip school because i'm depressed and anxious, and then i get more anxious because i missed a day and don't want to face my teachers and peers so i just keep skipping and now i'm fucked. i'm supposed to graduate in the spring, i doubt that'll happen. i started the year off trying so hard, but things have been so bad with my parents. i had to call the damn cops on my mom a couple weeks ago (they didn't do anything helpful, of course). it's exhausting being in the enviroment that i am and it makes everything feel impossible. i don't want to be skipping school!! i want to see my friends!! i want to do my homework and get good grades and graduate and go to college!!! but god it's so hard when you have so much going on. at this point i'm just trying to survive until i can move out. it's easier said than done. my substance abuse issues definitely don't help. on top of being insanely sick a couple weeks ago, i also was going through hella bad benzo withdrawls at the same time. not fun, wouldn't recommend. eating hasn't been the best... while i was sick i couldn't digest literally anything, i was barely eating and living off gatorade zero. this for like a week and a half led to losing weight. i'm not sick anymore but i'm so scared of regaining that weight so i've been restricting a lot. things have been weird between me and that one guy i'm talking(ish) to, we still talk but i've been told he's talking to a lot of other girls too. doesn't exactly make me feel great about myself. everything kind of feels like it's falling apart. guess that's it for now.
