i think this is possibly the worst i've ever felt in my entire life, which is saying a lot. i'm so miserable. i hate whining and bitching about stupid shit because it's fucking annoying and nobody wants to hear about my problems but uh here i am i guess. i've reached this point where i really don't see the point to trying anymore. i just wonder what would happen after my death. how would i be found? let's say i died at night and was found in the morning... would i look like myself? would i be laying there peacefully, looking as if i was merely sleeping, or would my body be stiff from rigor mortis, marbled with lividity? i don't care if my parents find me stiffened up like roadkill but the idea of my little brother seeing me in such a state is enough to make me somewhat reconsider the idea of suicide. not completely, but just a little. thinking about how much my death would affect others makes me think about it a little harder, too. all my friends are just as mentally fucked as i am, and we've all established the fact that if any of us were to die, the rest of us would go down like fuckin dominoes. the thing is though, my life simply doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. nobody's does and nobody's will. a few hundred years from now, nobody will know who the fuck i was. so why does it really matter what i do with my life? a few thousand year from now, literally nothing is going to matter. not even just me, literally anybody and anything, it'll all become meaningless with time. we live on a fucking rock. one day, that rock will explode into a billion pieces, and nothing, not me, not you, not anything in the history of the whole world will matter anymore. it'll all be gone, and there will probably be some new rock for a few billion years, and that rock will be meaningless too. the cycle will repeat over and over and over. nothing matters. who cares if i traumatize my sibling or fuck up my friends or anything else, soon enough it won't matter, so honestly it really doesn't matter now.

i am so fucking tired. both mentally and physically. i haven't gone to school since the 19th. i just can't. i keep getting stuck in this cycle of school making me anxious, so i don't go, and then i don't do any of my homework because i'm depressed and unmotivated, and then i get anxious to go back to school because i don't want my teachers to hate me, so i keep staying home. now, to be fair, i have been sick too and had to go the er because my chest hurt and i couldn't breathe, but i've definitely been pushing it so i can stay home. i feel like such an asshole because this year for once i actually really like all my teachers, and of course this is the year i've just kinda given up and have stopped trying. it fucking sucks, i want to go to college, so i really want to do well in school, get good grades and maintain them. i know i'm capable of it! i'm in honors and ap classes, for fucks sake. i could have a 4.0 gpa or higher if i was really trying. it's not that i'm dumb, i know that i could achieve it if i tried, i just have no motivation to try anymore. sometimes i think about college and that kind of motivates me, but sometimes i think about the fact that i might not live to ever go to college and i'm like "well if i'm gonna die soon, fuck it, what's the point, why should i even try". but like at the same time what if i don't kill myself but keep living like i eventually will and then i'm just screwed? i don't want to waste my life away thinking i'm gonna die but then not actually die. i'm just so tired. so, so fucking tired. death sounds so peaceful...

i'm not dead lol ! i've been actually somewhat trying to get my shit together. i've been back in school since the 13th and it's going kind of okayish. i'm hella behind on schoolwork and have no time to do pretty much anything else but eh its better than before so oh well

3am and i've barely touched my homework. i'm so fucking tired. i just want to sleep :(

i wish my parents recognized how badly i'm doing. i have yet to go a full week without skipping school, i think i failed most of my classes for the first quarter, i barely eat, i can't get through the day without a handful of adderall. i've been having seizures and i'm constantly sick. my parents don't even care. my mom blames it all on the fact that i had mono over the summer and strep last month instead of acknowledging that i'm spiralling so hard right now. i don't know if she doesn't realize it or just doesn't care. everything's so hard. i really thought this year would be different. how fucking stupid of me.

everything's spiralling so far out of control and i don't know if i even care anymore. i haven't been to school since october 13th. this is my 4th week of not going. i have no energy to get up and do anything. i sleep most of the day, only getting up from my bed a couple times a day to use to bathroom. i eat every couple of days, and when i do it's not much. i can feel my body deteriorating and i don't care enough to try to stop it. i know now that my mom 100% without a doubt is aware of what's going on and simply does not care. i told her yesterday how bad my eating has been (even though she should already know because she's lazy as fuck and stays home all day doing nothing), i told her about how my seizures have been getting worse, the off and on pain in my chest, my fainting, my arrhythmia, everything. she was like "i don't know what you want me to do about it. i went grocery shopping yesterday and tried to get some of your safe foods (she did not, in fact, get a single safe food lol). i'm just going with what i've got." keep in mind this bitch literally has a whole ass degree in psychology and almost became a therapist. like what the fuck do you mean "i DonT kNoW wHaT tO dO aBoUt It" idk get me some fucking help??? actually interact with my therapist and try to figure something out?? i straight up told her my therapist thinks i should probably be in either outpatient or inpatient treatment at this point and she was just like "hm okay" and changed the subject. sometimes i don't understand how a person can care so little about their own child. like homie nobody forced you to get pregnant with me and keep me you could've aborted me lol. some people really should not have kids.

so my therapist sat down with my parents and told them if they don't put me in residential for my ed she's gonna call cps on them because they've been refusing to do pretty much anything. so guess who's going to residential :D i have to be there at 10am tomorrow (or technically today) and it's almost 2am and i still haven't packed anything woohoo go me! i don't think i'm gonna bring my macbook so i probably won't be active on here for a bit unless you can use neocities on your phone. i can't imagine that'd be very pleasent tho. it's odd, for so long i've been aware this is a serious issue and i don't like living like this but now that i actually have to get help for it i don't want it. it just sucks that my parents never cared until now. they never gave a fuck until hitting up cps was mentioned. it feels so disingenuous, i'd almost rather them not do anything because at least then they're not just bullshitting to keep their asses out of trouble. i should probably get around to packing shit oops

i finally came home on the 11th. treatment was hard but i feel the best i've felt in a long time. i have to do virtual php from 8am-2pm starting tomorrow but i'm glad to be home. i mean not really because i hate my parents but i'm glad to have freedom lol. i miss the friends i made there though. my roomate and i got really close. she's getting out soon so hopefully we'll meet up then. i can't believe how long it took me to realize how sick i was. i spent so much time in denial that i even had an eating disorder. i'm still struggling but i'm just grateful to feel alive again. also i'm talking to this guy !!!! we've been flirting around and snapping for the past couple months i really like him ahhhhhhh. AHHHHHHHH!! god talking to men is so scary but i love the attention. ok i'm out lol bye

hey yall!! haven't updated this in a few months oops. nothing much is new. still pretty behind on homework, not quite sure what i'm gonna do about that since the school years almost over. i'm in online school, but i havent been doing much because i've been really depressed. i think my depression is treatment resistent. i've been on meds since i was 12 and they've just never worked. i've just gotten used to it but it really sucks because i feel like i'm just wasting my life away. things have been a little calmer at home but my parents still fight a lot. i've officially been in anorexia recovery for 5 months now. i'm not sure how to feel about it but my mom might light me get a tattoo to celebrate 6 months! after this i'm actually gonna put together a presentation to try to convince them lol. my mom seems ok with it but my dad doesn't like the idea of me getting tattoos. he'd kill me if he knew i already have 23 lol. oh! and my adderall addiction is getting a lot better. i still abuse it, but not as much. recently i got prescribed klonopin (similar to xanax) for my panic attacks so i've been abusing that instead. i try not to a lot, because it seriously helps my panic attacks and i don't wanna get it taken away. i'm struggling a lot with recovery weight gain. it's really hard not to look at myself and miss my old body. i try to remind myself how much pain i was in. the fainting, the seizures, the chest pain. not to mention not being able to shit for a fucking week. it's just so hard getting used to my new body. i feel like i don't recognize myself. inside i know it's a good thing, i see a dietitian and follow my meal plan (for the most part), i'm taking care of myself and my body's healthy. i feel so much stronger and better physically but mentally it's still a struggle. i'm trying hard to push past it though. alright, i guess thats my spiel for now. gotta go work on that tattoo presentation lol. adios.