august 7th, 2023

ugh last entry was so whiny like girl shut up nobody asked! like dude look in a mirror you're the one who turned yourself into an addict lol nobody can fix that besides you stop babbling and go to rehab or something. it's funny i say that because i'm currently on an absolutely ridiculous amount of adderall.
not sure if i mentioned this in my last entry but they (my psychiatrist) put me on a new medication. lamictal. it's supposed to be a mood stabilizer to help with the crazy mood swings i get from BPD. she prescribed it probably over a month ago but i only started taking it like a week ago. no meds have ever helped me before and just make me numb and gain weight so i'm really weary about trying new meds. this one isn't supposed to make you gain though, i've actually seen some people say they lost on it, so yay. but i've been taking it consistently for a week now! which is like huge for me. i'm still on a really small dose because theres some crazy side effect if you go up doses too fast that can kill you or some crazy shit. it might just be a placebo but i do feel like it's made a small difference, but then again i've also been smoking weed on the daily so that keeps me pretty stable too lol.
oh yeah, i got a med card recently. my psych knows i smoke and is completely chill with it but she recommended i get a med card to be safe. there's a lot of fentanyl where i live and i've been laced with god knows what before so not really a risk i like taking. it's nice because i can walk into a dispensary and get exactly what i what whenever i want (as long as i got the money lol). i know for sure if i'm getting indica/sativa/hybrid, they got so many forms of weed dude like flower/edibles/tintures/carts etc etc. i think they even got like patches and balms and live resin and shit. i can get anything i want! when i get something they put a label on it telling me all the specific weeds details like the exact thc percentage, along with cbd/cbn/cbc etc. and my full goverment name lol so it really looks like script which is kinda funny because it's literally just weed. going into the dispo is scary as fuck though. they got more security than a damn airport. u gotta show your med card and id before they buzz you in, and then you go into what literally looks like a doctors waiting room, and then a budtender calls your name and brings you back to this fancy room with kiosks that you order the weed on. you have to select what you want and then theres like a little door in the wall they send the weed through. and then they put it in a fun baggy that always comes with a big pamphlet about how to safely consume weed and blah blah blah. it also shows a list of all the different weeds factories they use and the pesticides used (is any) and the different factories. like down to every ingredient. on one hand idgaf just give me my weed but it's also nice knowing everything about what you're taking.
sorry, enough rambling about weed. my addy usage is def showing. i have a job interview coming up (probably)! it's for krogers, it was supposed to be last week but i got too anxious and texted them asking to push the interview date back and they said that's fine and they'd get back to me this week. fingers crossed they do because i REALLY need a fucking job so i can get out of this damn house. i also still don't have my driver's license but ugh whatever. one thing at a time i guess.
thinking about doing my makeup. yeah, gonna go do that.

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