i am so fucking tired. both mentally and physically. i haven't gone to school since the 19th. i just can't. i keep getting stuck in this cycle of school making me anxious, so i don't go, and then i don't do any of my homework because i'm depressed and unmotivated, and then i get anxious to go back to school because i don't want my teachers to hate me, so i keep staying home. now, to be fair, i have been sick too and had to go the er because my chest hurt and i couldn't breathe, but i've definitely been pushing it so i can stay home. i feel like such an asshole because this year for once i actually really like all my teachers, and of course this is the year i've just kinda given up and have stopped trying. it fucking sucks, i want to go to college, so i really want to do well in school, get good grades and maintain them. i know i'm capable of it! i'm in honors and ap classes, for fucks sake. i could have a 4.0 gpa or higher if i was really trying. it's not that i'm dumb, i know that i could achieve it if i tried, i just have no motivation to try anymore. sometimes i think about college and that kind of motivates me, but sometimes i think about the fact that i might not live to ever go to college and i'm like "well if i'm gonna die soon, fuck it, what's the point, why should i even try". but like at the same time what if i don't kill myself but keep living like i eventually will and then i'm just screwed? i don't want to waste my life away thinking i'm gonna die but then not actually die. i'm just so tired. so, so fucking tired. death sounds so peaceful...
