july 28th, 2023

this is gonna be a vent more than anything so sorry in advance.
i feel like i'm never gonna be anything in life besides a worthless lazy fucking addict. i feel so sick, i'm freezing cold and then i'm sweating bullets, i'm physically exhausted but all the amphetamine in my system is keeping my brain going. i have my dinner sitting right in front of me, i can tell that my body is hungry, but i physically cannot eat. and yet, i don't stop. "one last time" "just one more pill" it's never just one more. i get depressed, pop pills, feel amazing, come down and feel even more depressed and sick, rinse and repeat. all day. i can't remember the last time i slept or consumed anhything besides an ungodly amount of diet coke. my nose is sore. there's a faint taste of crushed adderall in the back of my throat. it's indescribably repulsive. and i'm probably gonna do it again, because that's all i'm good at. i'm 18, no car, no license, no job, no degree.

i am the definition of wasted potential.

you know, i used to wanna go to harvard! now i crawl on my bedroom floor at 3 in the morning hoping to find an extra pill i dropped. but what's my other option? being sober and having to deal with my parents bullshit would just be inhumane at this point. at least i'm not dead. yet.

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