june 18th, 2023

i'm getting a tattoo soon. like a REAL one. i don't know if i mentioned it in my last entry (and tbh i'm too lazy to check) but it's going to be on my thigh, a floral heart with the words "flowers grow amongst the weeds" in like blackletter kind of font. it's from the song "sleepy towns and cemeteries" by nicole dollanganger bc she's, yknow, my like favorite ever. that's july 3rd, which is coming up fast. when i went for my consult she said it'd probably take 1 1/2 - 2 hours which doesn't seem like a whole lot, but i have no idea how a real tattoo feels so i'm kind scared lol. also speaking of nicole dollanganger, i started reading the dollanganger series by v.c. andrews bc i just had to. i finished flowers in the attic the other day, and now i'm starting petals on the wind. jesus these books are fucked. but reading them makes nicole's songs make a lot more sense bc it's like her whole niche. especially the line from white trashing that says "where dreams are fulfilled, where the purple grass grows and i can see it all just beyond our window", which is actually a reference to flowers in the attic. in the book, (spolier) the twins locked in the attic read this victorian book (i think it's made up, i don't think it really exists) about these lovers named lily and raymond who have to overcome all these obstacles to get to this place where magical purple grass grows, but they both end up killing themselves before realizing they were already ON the purple grass the whole time. i wish this was a real book bc it sounds damn interesting. enough about nicole dollanganger lore, onto the serious stuff.
i'm relapsing with my eating disorder, and i think it's turned from anorexia into either OSFED or bulimia. whatever it is, both my dietitian and therapist think i need to go back to residential, so i'm looking into it. i think i've found a place i like, and it's not the god awful place i went to when i was 16. the difficult thing is, i'm 18, so technically nobody can force me and it's my choice. i know deep down it's whats best for me but my ed voice tells me not to and that i'm weak and giving up. so that's hard. also my best friend came to visit for a couple days, that was really fun except me blacking out and vomiting several times from drinking too much lol. she's the only reason i got through threatment the first time, she was my roommate for 9 weeks, and i don't know what i'm gonna do without her going back to treatment. but i know she'd want whats best for me. ugh.

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