june 1st, 2023

boy do i got a lot to update on.
so last sunday i went to go visit my best friend from ed treatment. i stayed with her until friday. we had a lot of fun, and did a lot of stupid shit (we were high most of the time). we get along so well because in treatment, we were roommates for TEN WHOLE WEEKS. she knows more about me than anyone in the world, and she can probably say the same about me. we are extremely similiar in so many ways. we just get each other. while i was there, i found out this guy ("J") i used to fuck around with (i've wrote about him before, he's the dude that was my first kiss and fingered me to breaking bad and shit) has basically been leading me on for god knows how long. he snapped me the other day saying he's been dating my friend ("O") for TWO WHOLE MONTHS NOW and he feels bad for not saying anything but he still wants to be friends bc he knows my life is fucked and still wants to be there and yada yada. obviously i was like "yeah lol thats cool idc" (i lost my fucking mind). but it goes even deeper.
so O and i have been friends since the beginning of our senior year (this past fall) and she is one of the sweetest, prettiest, just kindest girls i've ever met. the past few weeks we've been snapping a lot more. some of the convos we'd have were deep ones about our fucked up families and lifes, and sometimes she would ask about me and J. she would ask how things went with us, if we were ever official, if we were still talking, etc. i said i really didn't know where J and i stood because we never fucking talked about what we were. i told her we were still flirting and sending nudes, and she said i should just go for it and ask him out. she even suggested i ask him for ab pics, saying guys love that (i didn't know at this point they were dating). a few days later i got the snap from J, and i was really fucking confused. i snapped O and i was like what the fuck, were you only getting friendly with me because you're dating J? and she was like no no hear me out. apparantly J has already CHEATED on HER with an ugly fucking underclassmen and O was really worried that J was cheating on her, again, with me. she told me she felt really bad knowing J was leading me on, and she even cried to her ex several times about how bad she felt for me and didn't know what to do. so she sat J down and told him if he didn't tell me they were dating, she would herself (girlboss). i guess she's still dating him, she says he's "better now", but we also agreed that he's a fucking manwhore so i hope she's thinking of leaving him. she deserves SO MUCH BETTER.
anyways, i found this out while at my friends house. i was so distraught i spent 3 of the nights i was there just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing after my friend fell asleep. one night, i was so distraught i took a handful of klonopin to try to calm myself down, and even that didn't work. so i locked myself in my friends bathroom, sat on the floor, picked up a lone razor blade i spotted on her floor earlier, and went at it. it was the only thing that could calm me down enough so i could breathe and finally get some sleep. i felt really guilty about it though.
i've been super depressed ever since, and replapsing full-on with my anorexia. my dietitian is "extremely concerned" and wants me in a "higher level of care" but i'm not willing to do that until i lose enough weight. i mean fuck, i'm medically obese, my body can handle days without food. i won't go back to treatment unless i hit my goal weight. then maybe. until then, i need to get as thin as possible. maybe someone will love me then.
i feel like i'm basically losing my mind, everyday i've been so miserable and just wanting to die. i'm not even religious but one night i was in so much mental pain i prayed that god would kill me right then and there. surprise! didn't work. i can't remember the last time i was this miserable. i don't want to exist anymore. it hurts so bad.

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